depression?

i dunno how i m supposed to feel nowadays...

sometimes i m happy...

sometimes... i feel so upset...

outside... i feel so tired and sometimes veri lonely...

at home... i kept losing my temper...

i dunno why...

sometimes... tears juz fall...

at night... i cant sleep without tossing n turning for an hour or so...

it's so tiring...

i realli dunno why...

i get upset or angry over stupid things...

it's like i cant find a place to belong...

i hate myself sometimes...

hate the world the rest of the time...

i put on masks...

when with friends...

i tried to smile... sometimes an impassive or distracted mask...

i feel so upset n tired... but i dunno why...

when somethg happened... like ppl din inform mi abt sth...

i had tis overwhelming sense of anger or upset...

it's like no one care if i noe abt sth... n yet they took for granted that i noe n will go...

mayb it's my personality? i had been feeling like that since sec sch days...

i m like an invisible person... no one worth talking to or having as a friend as...

i rmb in sec days... someone even called mi a "spare tyre"...

they oni approach mi when no one else is there for them...

or when they wanted to talk...

i m like invisible oni visible when needed...

i dunno if it's the same now... but i noe i have friends now that will at least tok of mi when doing sth... n i m realli glad... juz the occassion slip up or sth i dunno...

but sometimes it makes mi feel upset n that mayb living alone in my own fantasy world is better... but that's running away...

i dun realli like running n hiding...

but i did that almost all the time...

i hid my feelings behind my mask... sometimes i dun even noe why i did that... it's like sth i cannot live without?

at home...

i m throwing my temper...

it was like i have all the anger bulid up inside myself n i threw them out at home over the smallest thing... i dun get it... mayb i shd get anger management lessons?

n things juz have to irritate mi...

or mayb tis is juz my mask?

an angry mask...

haiz... dunno why...

but i m juz so tired...

sch's starting n hope things will be better...

then again...

mayb it is the weather...

i noe quite a few ppl not feeling happy now...

soon... i hope all of us get over tis ...

realli... soon i hope...

east coast trip on last wed...

ok super long din update... so tis is a long LONG post... so be warned!

hey last last sat... i tink...

went back to yjc 4 ccs performance...

it's ok... enjoyed it...

b4 that went marina square to get someone's bday present...
n i bought a bag!

yes... finally... a big bag at $10...

lazy to take a photo n put here...

it is veri big... and it's silver...

oh... here's some photos!

long time din see yjc!

miss the audi?...

my sis n xinying! they were looking like that at the break... took it b4 i ask them to take photos... heehee...

aniway... last wed...

yiwen, xinying, wenya, peikiat and i went to east coast...

have a super fun day...

long time nvr see all of us together...

individually... yes see a few times during the hols...

xinying... we went to the performance on sat together...

went to bugis w yiwen one or two week ago...

wenya... tink see her last when we make her card... yes she went as well... but we made her go away till the card is finished... i noe we veri mean :p

peikiat, xinying and i went orchard lib also a few weeks ago... n b4 is class bbq also at east coast...

so i tink quite l0ng all of us gathered...together since we left yjc...

we went to ntuc to get some snacks n my lunch...

i love Han's pie! it is so delicious!

then met peikiat there and found some place to sit and eat!

b4 we meet peikiat... it's not gd to sms when walking... muz be careful wenya...

wenya with her tree...

yiwen n peikiat... they din look at mi after i took one photo... so sad...

but then again... i din tell them when i took them... hee hee ^_^

xinying hissed... shh! keep quiet... ppl are reading!

our snacks! bought them at ntuc!

xinying... i m cleo fan... but tis magazine is wenya's...

wenya... hey i m reading... so shoo... if not bang! u are dead!

as we were talking... eating... reading... taking pics... birds came for our food...

the left one is one ordinary mynah we see everyday...

the right one... yiwen says it is mutated ostrich....

then mi n xinying went to the shore while the others went cycling...

we picked up a lot of sea shells! though i wanted to take pics of the place where we picked the shells frm... i dun want to risk using my hp with wet hands...

worse if the hp dropped into the sea water....

then we went to mac... some of us buy ice cream...

and take grp photos! ok... i m not in ani of it... :p

wad can i say? i m the photographer!

the ntu girls? n yiwen n peikiat..

we continue to talk as we walked out of mac...

n of course take photos as well...

xinying n wenya is a bit blur since we are walking as i took the photos... hee hee

haha... a few candid photos...

xinying doing teh taitai pose...

wenya n yiwen's expressions when they heard abt peikiat's timetable...

our cricket's timetable is so packed! jia you peikiat!!!

finally... decided that i dun have ani photos taken w peikiat n yiwen...

n i din take ani photo that day...

so...

mi n peikiat...

then i decided to try to take photos of myself n yiwen n peikiat...

ok... finally a few of the scenery photos that i have taken...

yes i did choose these out of dunno how many scenery photos i have taken that day...

i tink more than 30?... i dunno...

here's are the few i tink are better...

umm... sch's starting... n i m so tired of choosing modules... ppl kept changing their mind...

n most of time din tink it is impt to inform mi... haiz...

so tink i will take the modules by myself...

yes... muz learn to be independent!

tink i m taking science gem by myself....

fantasy VS reality...

ok... it's the view of my hse but i shifted a bit... nid to improve my photography skills :p

reality n fantasy...

these days... i m always at my com...
reading fan fics or typing something... be it stories or practics i printed out for my tution...
offline... i have comics or storybks to read...
n currently... i m brushing up my writing skills... thru guidebks on how to write fantasy stories...
i borrowed these bks frm the lib...


i tink all these lead mi to have a case of disability to distinguish fantasy frm reality...
i kept having dreams or nightmares at nite...
sometimes... i m so absorbed in the stories that i can read for the whole day without stopping...
guess i m wasting electricity.... n time as well...


yet.... fantasy are so much better than reality sometime...
though the characters do have problems...
there will always be a happy ending... unless they are death fics.. which i avioded...
mayb i m escaping frm reality? i dunno...
but most of the stories do touch on probs like love, friendship, family probs...
thay are real in a way...
some are written by writers' own experience... n they are realli touching...
they had gd endings that not all in reality do...
some wrote to honor your loved ones... as a shown of graditude...
others wrote as a form of outlet for their feelings...

fantasy VS reality...

fantasy is always so much better n reality is cruel...
but then again...
one lives in reality...
we cannot always escape to fantasy...
that is escaping...
a coward's way to live...
face up the challenge...
however, most of the time... the truth hurts...
the truth will leave a scar that only time can heal...
sometimes... even time is useless...
but one still have to do it... even though it hurts...

hope for the fantasy but live in reality...
sounds simple? but why it is so hard to achieve?

melancholy...

dark clouds looming... it is gg to rain le...

i dunno why... but these few days i feel so tired...
even when i m not doing anithg...

i m like reading storybks n reading fan fics that's all...

yet... i still feel so tired.... realli dun understand why...

i realized that i have been spending my time meaninglessly...

yet.... i can't do anithg abt it...

i m so tired... so legatheric...

it's like i have no energy left...

i dunno y...

it's like i nid to use up a lot of energy to even just smile...

n my temper is veri bad... haiz...

realli dun understand... but sch's starting mayb it will get better....

when it was lost...

when it was lost...
then we will know it's worth...

why can't ppl treasure things until they lost it?
and why must good things end abruptly?
why must ppl hide their feelings till it was too late?
why?
why?

treasure what you have before you lost it...
they are just simple words...
yet they are so true...
so meaningful...
so difficult to achieve...

why must ppl endure hardships before they can be happy?
why must ppl know what's bad b4 they know they are good?
why must ppl compare in order to noe who's better?
why?
why?

does it matter if you are a bit better than him?
does it matter if you are a bit sadder than her?
does it matter if you are a bit lonelier than them?
does it? guess it doesn't...
because even if you do...
things do not change...

treasure the present and forget the past...
don't compare with others...
don't mind about the others...
don't bother to let them tell you if you are right or wrong...

just do what you believe is right and let nothing sway you...
because ultimately...
it is your life...

however... if you know that somehow you are wrong...
dont hesisate to change...
no one can tell you what to do best for yourself ...
no one can stop you frm changing...

juz treasure the present and hope for the future...
hoping is not wrong...

nightmares...

well...
not sure what happened....
but recently...
i had been having nightmares...
realli tired...
but dun understand why...
my mum says it is because i put pressure on myself when i m asleep...
but i dunno...

all i rmb when i woke up is fear n anxiety...
but i din have ani troubles or stress...
realli wonder why i have nightmares...
haiz... sch gg to reopen...
hope they will stop by then...
i nid my beauty sleep... :p

bugis... necklaces...

photo of the 3 necklaces i made myself on fri...

well... i m lagging again...:p
haiz...
aniway... i decided not to take the business module as well...
because i realized that i still nid 3 science modules ....
so looking for one now...
aniway who noe which sci module is easy n interesting...
tell me!!! thxs a lot... i realli have no idea which to choose...


aniway...first...
on thur...
mi n yiwen went to bugis...
i found a few books on how to write fantasy stories!!!
i din even noe there was such books... i juz happened to stop at a shelf n saw them!
so happy....
we shopped for a while but spent most of the time at bookshops n lib...
have a nice day... b4 i went to tut at yishun...

then on fri morning...
i decided to make some necklaces...
some of my previous ones were spoiled...


these 2 are my old ones...



then i made a tree... i noe... doesnt look like one... the orange n red are the leaves n green is the trunk....


ok... tis is similar to the other one i have but the other one was broken so i made another one...


finally ... i also make a star... blue coloured... tis took the longest cause i realli cant get the star shape rite... luckily it is not that bad...


so altogether... all the necklaces that i made myself ...
they look like tis...


so how's my necklaces? not too ugly i hope....