a stupid entry....

post wad i say here since someone tink i m wasting my time n shooting him...

if i want to do that i wont write i will scream!

dun want to waste my energy on such person...

spent time trying to clear it but it's "shooting"...

then sorrie... too bad i missed....

tink my opinions are useless...

ok... then too bad... dun worry wont disturb u w my stupid opinions!

juz tink wad u want!

tink tis is long... i can scream thgs even longer....

ok... i promised xin ying that i will not be too agaited...
n seriuosly.... i got lots of stuff 2 do...
i cant do anithg over the weekend due to rituals...
it seemed so fast that a yr wout my grandpa had passed...
but it means that the 3 term papers due on mon had to be finished by today n i had not started at all.. but i dun want to rant abt tis stuff... redunant since most ppl oni cared abt thgs that had to do w themselves...
but xinying said i had to reply...
i alr tried my best to take out hurtful words... a lot of them actually...
words that i noe will realli convery my anger...
i had changed my tone... but i tink my first version might be better to convey my anger
but ok... i promised i wont... so there...

n firstly, b4 i lost my temper...
i want to apologise to xinying n wenya for tis affecting u...
focus on ur exams... n take care of ur health... all the best n gd luck 4 ur exams n term paper....
by the way... wenya... can lend mi the notes for ch2291?... i missed 3 of the lects....

2ndly,
we all noe wad i m gg to say...
tis is alr a veri mild version.... n i alr said i will not be too emotional or wad so ever...

but seriously... at home i admit i m like an old woman yelling n screaming all the time...
but w my friends... i tink i seldom express my upset or anger...
but tis time i muz say i m angry...

1st of all...
i had to say...
my hse are full of ppl who had not had chicken pox!!!
even my dad had not have them....
n my sis is having psle...
so i m basically quarntined in e rm...
w no com, no hp n oni bks....
i had used the com oni for a few times...
n my mum had to take precautions...
n moreover my hp has low value...
so basically i can't blog, cant email, cant sms, cant use phone...
furthermore.... my desktop cant see ur tag...
how m i gg to noe wad u writing?
i din even get to check my emails regularly which results in my grp project nearly being marked failed...

even then... if i replied ur tag or anithg...
it will be an incoherent thgs... cause i m having high fever...
u tink ppl are kidding when they say having chicken pox when u are older tend to be more taxing n dangerous? though i dun understand why my gums started bleeding or my nose for that matter... not one of the symptoms but i muz have bite or scratch sth....but i will not be disgusting as to describe wad it looked like.... though wenya had asked mi to at some pt of time... i would like to forget that thanks u veri much!

n it took wenya n xinying to call mi b4 i noe abt tis incident...
n i noe abt that incident w xinying...
my hp can still receive sms... u noe...

2ndly...
as i said earlier...
i apologised for my attitude...
but i tink if u tink i m not appreciative...
tis i will apologise...

but i STILL tink that u dun get the issue...
mayb i m ungrateful...
i appreciate ur efforts...

but did u even stop a moment to tink y all these that could be avoided happened?
i told u all that i dun want to celebrate cause of chicken pox...
i said dozens of times... my mum asked her friends , i asked ard n my sis asked the doc...
plus the fact that i m coming down w a flu... all these not syptoms?
i noe my body n I DO NOT want to postpone the whole thg cause it will be meangingless...

it is not the oni time my opinion dun matter...
in case of anithg... i told u all dun plan... cause it will most likely be thrown away...
BUT DID YOU LISTEN? NO! u all tok that i m joking or anithg...
n telling u all not to plan is my ungratefulness...

i had to ask u
wad does it says for not taking my words seriously? or considering my opinion?
n did u juz ask we go east coast hor
or did u ask is there aniwhere else u want to go other than escape...
did u explain that xinying dun want to go?
did u say hurry up say so we can plan?
did u ask wad i wanted to do?
did u noe i had actually told my sis that i want to go to escape instead of east coast cause i want to go to someplace i din go b4?
did u giv mi time to think of an alternative or did u say ask mi to ans in 2 min?
did u let mi have some rest 1st since i slept for oni less than 4 hrss that day n veri tired b4 asking mi qns?
did u do it as intergoratn or as sth fun?
did u ask for my opinion or juz want to settle everithg...

wad do u tink my attitude is after u all kept rushing thgs?
m i the oni one who shd say yes to everithg while feeling upset or dislike?
that's the reason i dun go out n mit as often as u all...
no one even tinks to ask if i m free or not... if i m not free too bad...
if no one realli cares abt my opinion... wad is the pt...
n seriously... i m not pting fingers or accuse ani1...
n i noe everi1 who reads will be upset...
but if u tink that my opinion doesnt matter i dunno why i had to explain...
but i refused to change the tone since ppl wont get the fact that i m upset...

moreover, i had to ask u...
can u firmly n clearly say frm the bottom of ur heart that u understand the issue that day?
can u ans without emotions that u did not have the feeling of ok... it's not my fault i juz want an apology n get it done w?
if all u want is an apology that said i m sorry shdnt said those words everithg i m at fault...
if u want an apology like that...
i m sorry but u re not getting one...

if i do that...
it will really be an insult to friendship...
it will be degrading it...
an apology wout meaning is easy...
but i will not do sth like that to sth i treasure...

an apology wout meaning is useless...
unless u try to explain n understand wad the prob is...
an apology is usless...
n seriously,
if u tink that a friendship is all abt u re rite in everithg n ppl are wrong n nid to apologise to u...
i had nothing to say...

3rdly,
as i said i seldom lose my temper... mayb i did a lot of home...
tis had realli made mi angry...
u tink i m ungrateful?
u tink that i m blind?
u tink i dun appreciate all ur planning?
u tink i m that kind of person?
i m utterly disappointed then...

that's why i apologised earlier cause i appreciate all ur efforts n treasure tis friendship...
but i wanted u all to understand wad happened on that very day n y it resulted in that...
an apology of simply i'm sorry is easy...
n friendship is not made up of sorry... not a i want u to apologise...
i want u to do tis i want u to do that...
if that's ur definition of friendship.
i tink u are the one who nids to think...
u tink an apology settles thgs?
as the saying goes... if sorry cures all why do we nid policeman?
n what do u tink that the tone of ur words shd be?
not a can u do tis? can u do that?
but it's a i want u to do tis, do that now....
if u say yes, asking qns is of can do this or not is juz politness n friends dun nid to ask qns...
i tink u nid to retink that urself...


4thly...
i m not gg to apologise for sth that i tink u misinterpret...
i m not saying that u are not there so neglible...
i m saying u are not there so u dunno what happened...
u dunno how all of us re feeling...

since in pri sch till jc even in uni, wad have we learned?
before u do anithg...
read the question carefully...
understand the issue...
look at the question properly...
research first b4 u start writing...
if u dun have the facts, dun do it...

if u are not even clear on the issue...
understand 1st... secondary sources are always unrealiable...
if there are reliable why would we have to dig out artifacts to get primary sources?

do u noe how all of us are feeling that day?
or do u act on wad u feel abt the sentence?
do u or do u not juz feel unappreciative cause of that sentence?
do u or do u not step away frm the words n try to find out wad's the root cause of the prob?
do u or do u not realize how stressed we were all that day?
do u or do u not tink u can answer determinely but not stubbornly that u understand the whole issue here b4 getting angry?

i m not pting fingers n opening old issues...

but i want to ask if u are upset n wanting some peace since u have been sleeping oni less than 5 hrs for the past week, when u finally can go out with friends, do u want to relax?
do u want to be able to say anithg wout offending the others when u noe they will understand when u apologised later knowing that u said all that out of spite?

or do u want to smile n act nonchalent abt anithg they say cause well who cares? juz say yes to everithg cause ur opinion dun matter... they oni want a yes or no answer better if it's a 2 min answer... so they can do tis n that? n u juz have to say thank u and act happy...

if the latter is ur defintion of friends, i had nothing to say.

if friends to u are ppl who listen to u, let u do wad u want, juz say "yes" everitime u ask a qns...
but ur friends cant expect u to do the same...
when said mit at one place or time then ur friend had to say yes n u expect ur friend to be there n got upset because ur friend is not there...

moreover if being ard friends means u have to keep quiet, hide ur feelings n said thgs oni ur friends will like to listen...

i m sorrie but i cant be that type of person...
n i dun tink that is friendship... that is like those bullies w their followers who are too scared to do wad they like...
n if our friendship is based on that, i dun tink i want to do w it...

6thly, n more imptly,
ARE U THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN BE ANGRY?
i muz said i m realli pissed off tis time?
i understand all ur efforts... n therefore i apologise earlier... cause i dun act like i m appreciative...

if u tink i m an ungrateful person, that i shd juz said i'm sorry wout explaining my pov or how upset i m, i have nothing t0 say...
if u treasure friendship, i dun tink u shd juz want an apology.
i dun tink friendship cause one always thinks one's right n demand apology...
i m pissed off at the fact that u refused to step back n tink abt it n react w anger...
shd everione always say they are wrong n u are always right?

i m also angry abt the fact that u din even understand my pov n started to accused mi of being ungrateful unappreciative...
if u can have an apology for sth i said out of spite, dont u tink i shd have an apology for u not trying to understand n taking my opinion seriously?

but as i said, do u want to based our friendship on apologies?
i dun want a friendship make up of meaningless apologies...
apologies mean that u understand wad the prob is not oni for the person giving it but the person receiving it...
u always nid to know the cause of the action n i mean both parties...
if ur friendship means i have to understand wad's wrong n u juz accept it wout understanding it, i have nothing to say but to ask u to rethink ur definition of friendship...

shdn't both parties seek to understand wad's the prob?
or shd one juz act the victim n get upset then the other juz have to say sorry to calm the other?
do u tink the one who is angry ios always right?
do u tink the one sentence that is wrong determines who's at fault?
did u or did u not think that u might have made mi upset in the first place?
if u tink that i shd have replied tis as soon as i can which i did... cause i barely had time to sleep but i took teh time to blog abt tis... do u noe how much make up i had to do for tis 2 missing wks? do u noe how much stress n pressure i m experienceing?

esp on that sat...
i tink i scared a lot of ppl w my blog entry...
i so nearly broke down when i told yiwen abt it b4 lect abt that day...
it's like i m so upset n no one cares enough to understand wad's wrong n made mi do lots of thgs i dun even have the time for or dun even like...
i was so near to juz falling somewhere...
but no one cares... all u care it's if appreciate wad u are doing?
n sat it's veri taxing.... n i muz say i had to thank xinying cause she listened to mi that day as i ranted abt stuff... i finally felt better n get into the mood of studying n had to break it off... i nid to hand it in the nxt day n in the end i had to stay up late to finish it n wake up early to do another one while feeling unwell... it's like all the emotional stress is becoming my sickness... n it's like none of u cares except that i had to smile n said thxs for all ur effort...
but then i cant blame ani1 cause these are all my own probs...
but even then i had hoped that u all will be understanding n not adding stress...
it's like everi1 wanted mi to do sth drastic...
i noe i m not a gd friend but the least i could hope is that 4 u all not to add fuel onto it...

what do u tink i feel?
have u ever stopped and tink abt it?
i m realli angry that u tink i m ungrateful...
cause it's like our friendship is not impt beyond saying the words i'm sorry...
it's like u oni see u say i din get the whole pic so i have the right to be angry...
did u step back frm the mirror n think abt it?

as i told xinying...
i have principles too u noe,
i refused to apologise wout meaning cause it will be degrading n an insult to friendship if i do so...
i tink friends give and take...
i can give u an apology if u give mi an reason...
not a repeition of how ungrateful i m or how much work u had put in?
it's like u oni want to say u put in a lot of work but did u stopped and looked back?
did u juz say i dun tink i m wrong not to tink abt other thgs....

i will not apologise to sth u misunderstood!
if u tink i m unappreciative, if u tink i m ungrateful,
i have nothing to say...
if u tink i m a friend that u dun tink it's worth ur time to understand n to consider the opinion abt to include in thsg... i have nothing to say...
cause friends help each other, consider opinions instead of rushing thru thgs...
friends let u say wad u want n explained wad's wrong instead of throwing facts in the face n wanting u to say sorry...

i noe u will most likely be angry after u read tis entry...
i tink i dragged up a few thgs that i wanted to leave it....
but i hope u can tink abt it...
i apologised earlier that i m sorrie if my actions proved that i m unappreciative but i refused to apologise for saying u duan zhang qu yi... unless u can prove that u did not...
n if u can really prove that u did not oni focus on one sentence...
then mayb u will realize what i m trying to say...
wad is the focus for mi...
n i alr spent 2 and a half hr typing tis n that's all...